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Five Parenting Rules That Don’t Work: How to Separate Fact from Fiction

Even before you become a parent, you start forming ideas about how you’ll raise your child. You get advice about it from all sides—your own parents and family, your friends, and books by so-called experts tell you "the rules" of good parenting. But most people soon find out that some of these techniques are simply fads—and many of them don’t work at all. Read on to see what James Lehman thinks are the top five most ineffective parenting concepts out there. 
 
1. “If you build up your child’s self-esteem, he’ll behave better.”   
The theory today seems to be that if you can make your child feel good about himself, then somehow his behavior is going to change. I can’t tell you how many families I’ve worked with who’ve learned that this is a complete fallacy. Make no mistake, kids don’t feel their way to better behavior. But they can behave their way to better feelings. 
 
Self-esteem and self-respect come from doing things that you can esteem and that you can respect. Self-esteem also comes from doing things that are hard for you. Look at it this way: if your child’s school is trying to build your child up by giving him high marks on work that’s mediocre or that’s too easy for him, do you really think your child is fooled? Soon he starts to think he can coast through school—and life. What’s worse, on the inside, he’s thinking, “No one expects much of me. That must mean I really am stupid.” So the intervention for the self-esteem issue—the rewards he’s given to feel better about himself—often have the exact opposite effect. 
 
I think rewards have to be based on realistic actions that are performed by your child. If you use a star chart with your younger child, for example, there should be categories on it that are realistic for him—and by that I mean behaviors that are observable and performable. So “Respond to First Requests” is a lot better than “Have a Good Attitude.” Being specific with kids gives them a real chance to perform well. 
 
It’s also very important for parents to understand that in order to get kids to develop their self-esteem, what they have to learn how to do is solve problems and function. 
 
Consider this scenario: Let’s say one teen studies math and gets an A on his test. Another child doesn’t study and gets an F on the test and then goes to see his counselor that afternoon. When those two kids come home that night, they are not going to be the same. The teenager who’s going to have the self-esteem is the one who studied—who solved the problem of motivating himself to learn the math problems, even though he would have preferred to watch T.V. He’s going to feel like he made an effort and it paid off. But the child who failed the test because he didn’t study won’t feel better in the long run, even though he went to a counselor and talked about his feelings. He may feel better for a time after his session, but if he doesn’t change his behavior and do his homework, he’s going to feel just as bad the next time he fails a test. Talking to a counselor about your feelings may help your mood improve in the short term, but it won’t make you do any better. For that, you have to do the work. 
 
If you want kids to have self-esteem, teach them how to solve problems, teach them how to perform. You can start with little tasks and then help them build their way up to bigger ones. Make no mistake about it; self-esteem comes from doing estimable acts; self-respect comes from doing respectable acts. If somebody isn’t performing those acts, they’re never going to have self-esteem. 
 
2. “When your child gets upset, angry or hostile and acts out, talk about his feelings with him.”  
When a child gets angry and acts out, many parents’ first reaction is to ask their child why he’s upset. They reason that if their child understands his feelings, he’ll be able to control his behavior better. 
 
In my opinion, this is a misleading belief. Yes, we need to talk with kids about their feelings sometimes, and we need to discuss what makes them angry or upset. But often children—and I’m including younger kids, pre-adolescents and teenagers here—are not good at reflecting about their feelings. So whenever an adult sits down and says, “Well, how did that feel? Why did you do that?” you can see a child shutting down. I think one of the main reasons is because the child really doesn’t know how he feels. He’s upset, he’s angry, he doesn’t like something, or he thinks something isn’t fair. He has thoughts which justify his behavior and feelings. So he says, “I’m angry because it’s not fair. You let Tyler do it and you wouldn’t let me.” He becomes adept at blaming others for his behavior. 
 
By the way, if you have a child who can process emotions and talk about them, that’s great. But in my experience, most kids can’t—and especially children who have problems with functioning and behavior. Those kids really need to be taught about their feelings, not asked about them. I think it’s much better to teach kids how they act when they feel a certain way. So instead of saying “Why are you angry, Connor?” you can say, “Let’s look at what you do when you get angry, Connor.” The truth is, understanding why you’re angry doesn’t really help if, as a result of your anger, you are disrespectful, abusive or destructive. 
 
Remember, the goal is not for our children to understand why they feel a certain way; the goal is for them to understand how they can behave no matter what they feel—even when they think something’s not fair. 
 
3. “Kids with performance or behavior problems need different rules—and should be held to different standards.”  
It’s very tempting for many parents to go a little easy on the rules—or to try and get the school to bend the rules so their kids with behavioral problems or learning disabilities have fewer problems. Parents see that as a way out. So if Sam is allowed to curse every now and then in class and is not given a detention if he slips up, that’s okay because “Sam has a hard time with that.” And if he’s verbally abusive around the house, there’s more flexibility for him than there will be for his siblings. 
 
The problem is that when your child gets older and his special education or therapeutic support ends (in many states that occurs when kids reach the age of 18), he will be in the same starting gate with all the other kids his age. And when that gate opens, he’ll be out there in the race. Make no mistake, if he can’t perform, he’s simply going to fall behind. 
 
Don’t get me wrong, I well understand that not everybody is given the same academic proficiency in life. I have a son with learning disabilities and math proved to be a very hard subject for him. But here’s the truth: regardless of academic ability, everybody has to have the same proficiency in following cultural norms and meeting behavioral and performance expectations. So after high school graduation, one kid might go work at Home Depot and one might go to college, but they both have to be able to respond appropriately to authority, speak respectfully to other people, and manage their emotions effectively. They both have to solve the problems that people deal with every day when they interact with others and do it in a way that doesn’t make them strike out or become self-destructive. That’s all there is to it. 
 
The problem is that kids with special needs may have different academic expectations, but their social expectations have to remain the same. And if they don’t learn how to behave appropriately now, it will be almost impossible for them later, when they’ve reached adulthood. 
 
I know it’s a very hard thing to do, but kids—even those with learning or behavioral problems—need to follow certain standards of behavior. As a parent, you have to learn how to hold your child accountable, even when he’s having a hard time. If you can do this, later on when he’s an adult, he’ll be able to take responsibility for himself instead of blaming everyone else for his problems and looking for an easy way out. 
 
4. “Severe adolescent phases are a part of life. They’ll pass.”  
Adolescents sometimes experiment with dangerous things. And for some teens, this phase does pass. In my experience, for many, many other adolescents, it does not. Go to any college and look at the amount of substance abuse going on and you’ll see what I mean. 
 
One mistake parents make is to rationalize this behavior. So they say, both to themselves and to their child, “Oh, it’s not a big deal—every teenager drinks or experiments with pot at some point.” Realize that if you tell your child, “Every kid does it, and so did I,” you’ve just given him permission to do it, too. 
 
The bottom line is that these aren’t just adolescent phases for many kids. These are things they try—but then they get stuck there. Sometimes it’s aggressive behavior—some teens and pre-teens get into feeling powerful and throwing their weight around. But make no bones about it: violent, verbally abusive, destructive adolescents become violent, verbally abusive, destructive adults unless some strong intervention takes place. Violence is not a phase. 
 
I believe this behavior is often a response to the tremendous amount of stress or frustration that adolescents experience. You have to understand that these kinds of feelings will just intensify as your teen transitions into adulthood. If your 13-year-old son can’t get along with his kid sister without pushing or hitting her now, or if he can’t get along with you without screaming and yelling and breaking things, what do you think is going to happen under the intense pressures of a marriage or a job? 
 
Substance abuse is another example of adolescent behavior that doesn’t go away on its own. People often say that kids “experiment” with drugs. I love the word experiment: I picture a kid with a white coat and a rat in the basement smoking pot. Unless he’s a doctor or a lab tech, he’s not experimenting—he’s using drugs. Alcohol consumption is also very risky for kids. Adults may think of alcohol as a social lubricant, but for kids who are under a tremendous amount of stress or anxiety, drinking or getting high gives them relief—and that’s a very dangerous thing. It becomes seductive, and it’s extremely hard for these kids not to go back for more. 
 
Parents need to be clear that smoking pot, drinking and doing drugs are high-risk activities. Not only are they dangerous because they affect your child’s judgment, they also affect his ability to solve problems. 
 
It’s very important to ask yourself, “What do I want my child to learn?” If you want him to learn that everybody smokes pot and drinks, then tell him that it’s normal. But I think parents should be saying to their kids, “Drug and alcohol use is out. It’s bad for you.” Make it clear from the beginning. In adolescence, there are certain developmental tasks that kids have to learn, like how to deal with anxiety and frustration. If they use drugs and alcohol to avoid learning these tasks, they will pay a price in adulthood. And that price will be that they will not be equipped to deal with these difficult emotions as adults. 
 
5. “To make a punishment work, you have to make it really ‘hurt.’”  
I think parents can get stuck in a cycle of trying to “up the ante” when it comes to punishing their kids—in other words, each time their child misbehaves, they feel they need to find a bigger and bigger hammer to deal with it. These parents invariably end up getting frustrated because ultimately, this doesn’t work. Soon they start to feel like there’s nothing they can do to get through to their child. 
 
My experience is that nobody ever changed from being punished. In our society, we punish all the time, but we have a very high re-offense rate, whether it’s speeding on the highway, drug use, or shoplifting. And we have a very high recidivism rate in our prisons. I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be punished for these crimes—my point is simply that punishment without learning does not result in better behavior. 
 
Let me put it another way: punishment that does not include learning how to solve the problem appropriately next time—and then being held accountable for your behavior—is not effective. Let’s say your child was nasty with his sister. You tell him he’s grounded for a month—but now he’s just going to do time; he’ll do his month and then go free. What does he learn when this happens? You hope he’ll learn, “If I do that again, I’m going to be grounded for a month.” But the truth is that when he’s upset, he won’t remember that punishment at all. In fact, most kids (and many adults) cannot recall past punishments with enough power to affect current behavior. 
 
Personally, I think consequences should be task-oriented. When your child is given consequences, it should be a learning experience, not a punitive one. I also believe there should be something unpleasant attached to it. For instance, you might decide that your child cannot use the computer until he treats his sister with respect. You can say, “You cannot use your phone until you don’t curse at your sister for 24 hours.” And so the consequences should be task-oriented, not time-oriented—and the time should be connected to the task. You can also build up to longer periods of time. So the first time, he should not curse for 24 hours, then the next time, you can extend it to 48 hours. In other words, you’re getting your child’s self-control to do pushups and get stronger. Although you might even start with one hour, the goal is for him to make it all day without swearing. 
 
Remember, teach your child what his responsibilities are, teach him how to meet them and then hold him accountable if he doesn’t. In the end, whether or not your child has behavioral issues or performance problems, your goal is to teach him how to function successfully in life.

Fail Parenting Lifestyle Responsible Five Parenting Rules That Don’t Work: How to Separate Fact from Fiction

Even before you become a parent, you start forming ideas about how you’ll raise your child. You get advice about it from all sides—your own ...

Parenting Responsibilities: 10 Things You Are (and Aren’t) Responsible for as a Parent

10:23:00 AM

These days, we’re bombarded with mixed messages about how to parent “the right way.” It’s easy to buy into advice from the media, relatives, and other parents and start to worry that we’re doing something wrong. Part of the reason this is happening is because adults, just like kids, are over-stimulated. We’re more wired and connected, which means we’re receiving more outside input than ever before. We have easy access to advice (good and bad) on the web, to information about how other parents are doing things, and to each other through social networking sites. This means we’re also more actively comparing ourselves to others—and getting more judgment and criticism from others as a result. We’re on an informational and emotional overload, which is causing many, many parents to feel overwhelmed and confused. 
 
On our 1-on-1 Coaching, my advice to callers was to trust your instincts as a parent—you know your child best, and in the end you’re the one making the decisions about your child’s future. In the Total Transformation Program, James Lehman says you have to run your family like a business. You’re the chief executive officer of your “family business” and as CEO you have to learn how to set emotions aside and to parent as objectively as possible. Forget how guilty you feel, forget that echo of your sister’s advice in the back of your head—you need to do what is best for your business. You can ask for advice, but in the end, you know your family best.  
 
One of the most important ways to clear through all the clutter of advice, guilt and comparisons to others is to understand what you are and aren’t responsible for when it comes to raising your child. 
 
What you are not responsible for: 
 
1. Making sure your kids are always happy. Don’t get me wrong—it’s good for your kids to be happy overall. But that means there will be plenty of times, especially when you’re parenting responsibly, that your kids will be furious with you when you set limits or give them a consequence. That’s part of your job description as the executive officer—not to make decisions based on what your kids will like, tolerate, or be okay with, but to make the decisions that are best for them and your family business, then follow through. 
 2. Getting the approval of others. Rationally, you do not need other adults in your life to tell you that you are doing the right thing. Parenting is not a popularity contest in your family or in your community. Sure, it feels great when other adults, such as your child’s teachers, tell you your child is doing something well, but it’s not necessary in order for you to run your family business well. 
 3. Controlling your children. Your children are not puppets and you are not a puppeteer. There is just no logical way that you can control every move your child makes or everything your child says, especially outside of your home. Children have their own free will and will act on their own accord—and often in self-interest. It’s important to remind yourself that if your child is not doing her homework, for example, despite your best efforts to motivate her and hold her accountable, that’s her problem and the poor grade she earns is hers alone. The consequence she will get from you is that you will make sure she sets aside time every evening to study, you will be in touch with her teachers more, and you will monitor her homework more thoroughly until she brings her grade up. We can’t control our kids, but we can influence them by the limits we set and the consequences we give. As James Lehman says, “You can lead a horse to water, and you can’t make them drink—but you can make them thirsty.” 
 4. Doing for your children what they are capable of doing for themselves. Many, many times our children will ask us to do something for them that we know they are capable of doing on their own. Your grade schooler might not make his bed perfectly the first time, but practice (and doing it imperfectly several times) is what he needs in order to get to the point where he can do it on his own. I’m not saying to stop preparing breakfast for your child once she’s old enough to pour her own cereal, or to never do anything to help your kids out in a pinch. What I am saying is to let your kids struggle sometimes and try your best to balance the responsibility. Typing a child’s paper for him because you type faster and it’s getting close to bedtime is not striking a balance. 
 5. You do not have to be Superman, Wonder Woman, Mike Brady, or June Cleaver. These are all fictional characters that seem to do it all and do it perfectly, right? You’re not one of them, nor should you strive to be. Rather than focusing on addressing every behavior issue or adhering to a perfect schedule each day, try to hit the important targets and realize that you might have to let some smaller things go each day. We call this picking your battles. 
 
What you are responsible for: 
 
1. Making tough decisions that are not popular ones. If your child doesn’t get mad at you at least once in a while, you’re not doing your job. Along with this, remember that you are not required to give lengthy explanations of your decisions. “It’s not safe” can be plenty of explanation when your teen asks why he can’t jump off the roof and onto the trampoline. “It’s your responsibility” is enough justification for telling your child it’s homework time. You don’t need to get into all the possible “what-ifs” and “if-thens.” 
2. Teaching your child to function independently. One of the effective parenting roles we talk about frequently on EP is the Trainer/Coach role. It is your job to teach your child age-appropriate skills in order to allow them to become more and more independent. There comes a time when your child needs to learn how to emotionally soothe himself, tie his shoes, write his name, and cope when someone teases him. Over time the skills he needs get more and more advanced—typing a paper, saying no to drugs, driving a car, and filling out a job application, for example. 
3. Holding them accountable. At the very least, this means setting some limits with your children when they are behaving inappropriately. For example, when your child is putting off their homework you might turn off the TV and say, “Watching TV isn’t getting your homework done. Once your homework is done you can turn the TV back on.” This could also be as simple as firmly saying, “We don’t talk that way in this house” to your child and walking away. Or, of course, it can also mean providing some effective consequences for something like having missing homework assignments, such as weekend activities being placed on hold until the work is completed. 
4. Going along for the ride. On the rollercoaster, that is. We all know but often struggle to accept that life is full of ups and downs—and sometimes it gets turned upside down. There will be times when your child is doing well and times when he or she is really struggling. That is not a reflection on you, it just is. Don’t blame yourself when this happens. Focus on finding positive ways to cope, look for something new to try to help your child effectively, or get some local support. 
5. Do your best. That’s really all you can do sometimes. It’s a perpetual balancing act—striving to find that balance between doing too much and doing too little, or giving consequences that are not too harsh but not too soft, either. Parenting can feel like a circus sometimes and there can be several balancing acts going on at one time. That’s when you have to go back to picking your battles and realizing you are not, nor will you ever be, June Cleaver or Superman. 
 
Above all else, remember that your child is unique and you know him better than anyone else on the planet. You will always get input, no matter how obvious or subtle, from the world around you as to how you should parent your child. You, however, are the expert on your child and get to make your own decisions about how to parent her in a way that teaches her to be independent and accountable while also being loving and respectful of your child and her needs. When you find yourself personalizing, remember the tips here to help you be more objective and remember what your role as a parent really is.

Lifestyle Parenting Responsible Parenting Responsibilities: 10 Things You Are (and Aren’t) Responsible for as a Parent

These days, we’re bombarded with mixed messages about how to parent “the right way.” It’s easy to buy into advice from the media, relatives,...